


The Adventures Of Captain Thong-Ripper And Lady Ladyparts (An Epic Tale)

by deletable_bird



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Dick Jokes, Extended Metaphors, Humor, Mary Sue, Metaphors, Multi, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-25
Updated: 2015-08-25
Packaged: 2018-04-17 05:00:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,397
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4653309
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deletable_bird/pseuds/deletable_bird
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>“Thank you so much,” she cooed, reaching out a slender hand with hot pink nail polish to put it on the red-haired man’s arm. Since she grew up with wolves of course she didn’t know what she was doing was so suggestive but the ginger guy’s eyes flicked towards their point of contact. His brilliant blue orbs conveyed all the arousal that was certainly making his One-Eyed Wonder Weasel swell in his boxers right then and there.</em>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Adventures Of Captain Thong-Ripper And Lady Ladyparts (An Epic Tale)

**Author's Note:**

> I was talking to a friend and wrote the two words "sex noodle." Of course this escalated into a half-hour-long tirade of endless dick metaphors, which of course escalated into . . . this. Warning: purposeful Mary Sue and the shittiest characterization on the planet ahead.

The music was loud and the beat was delectable as Raven Rayne Lillianna traversed the crowded club, keeping her eyes peeled for the next guy that would surely jump on her, wanting a piece of her exquisite yet virginal body. By her side strode the snow-white wolf that had walked with her since she had been abandoned in the woods when she was just a baby. She’d grown up with the wolves and when she finally rejoined society, learned in the ways of the pack, she was evilly manipulated by each and every guy who laid eyes on her irrevocable beauty.

She stopped at the bar and looked around with wide, thickly-lashed eyes, one electric blue and one peridot-green. Her hair, long and raven-black like her name, was perfectly dyed hot pink and sky-blue at the tips. She was wearing fishnets (but not the slutty kind) under soft grunge cutoff shorts and a tight black camisole with a pink skull detail on the front. She didn’t have to wear makeup because her skin was perfect of course, but she was insecure about her perfection and gorgeousness and wore it anyway.

“Hey baby,” said the guy next to her. She glanced at him and her wolf Snowflake Swanfur growled. They both knew all he wanted was to get his Sex Noodle in her pants, just like every other guy in this club.

“Who do you think you’re talking to?” came a shout. An attractively muscular red-haired man burst through the crowds, his manly hairy fist raised to punch the lights out of the man who was sexually harassing her. Raven Rayne shrank back as the cruel guy disappeared in a panic.

“Thank you so much,” she cooed, reaching out a slender hand with hot pink nail polish to put it on the red-haired man’s arm. Since she grew up with wolves of course she didn’t know what she was doing was so suggestive but the ginger guy’s eyes flicked towards their point of contact. His brilliant blue orbs conveyed all the arousal that was certainly making his One-Eyed Wonder Weasel swell in his boxers right then and there.

“No problem,” he said smoothly, leaning on the bar. “My name’s Ron Weasley. Who are you, gorgeous?”

“Raven Rayne,” she said shyly, tilting her head and putting her hands in her lap. She looked unbearably flirty but of course she only thought she was being innocent and thanking him for his services to her unbearable attractiveness. “And this is Snowflake Swanfur.”

The pure-white wolf whined and sniffed Ron before turning to Raven Rayne. You can trust him, the wolf transmitted to her telepathically. Since they had grown up together of course they had a perfect mental bond that kept them together even when they were apart.

Thanks Snowflake! Raven said telepathically before turning to Ron and saying, “So do you want to maybe go somewhere private and chat? You seem like a really nice guy . . .”

“That sounds simply tea-time spiffing,” said Ron because of course he was British and courteous like a British man. In secret he knew that soon his Gas-Station Hot Dog would soon be slowly turning in Raven Rayne’s Easy-Bake Oven.

He took her by the hand because he was a perfect gentleman and led her smoothly across the dance floor until they came to the room that had been waiting its whole life for two such people to bless it with doing the frick-frack within its walls. Inside was a huge soft king-size bed with silk sheets that perfectly complemented Raven Rayne’s flawless pale skin tone.

Gently Ron threw her down onto the bed and started kissing her neck. She moaned and held his arms tightly; she didn’t know what was happening because of course she was still a pure virginal virgin but whatever it was it was amazing.

She could feel his Pocket Weasel growing harder and harder against her leg. She ground up against him, just to experiment, and he panted into her neck. “Yes, yes, just like that baby, you’re so perfect.” She was so happy to know she could make him feel so good even with his Re-Awakened Dragon still in the confines of the cave of his jeans.

Suddenly the door slammed open with a burst of light! A dramatic figure was standing outlined against the pulsing illumination of the dance floor, his big coat blowing dramatically in the wind.

“S-sherlock?” gasped Ron, sitting up so fast his Boxer Foxer caught the light even in his jeans and stood proudly, artistically lit by the streaming shine from the door.

“Oh my God, babe!” Raven Rayne shrieked, pushing him away and jumping to her feet. “I thought you only loved me!” 

“No Raven! You’re my only one true adoration!” Ron yelled in a manly tone. Raven looked at him with tears in her eyes. She had wanted his Wankywanky Stick inside her so bad.

“I’m sorry darling. I can’t do this if you love him as well.”

“No, wait,” said Sherlock in his velvety voice. “I’m only here to make you both feel amazing.”

Raven Rayne giggled. “OK then,” she said, and sat back down on the bed.

Sherlock flung himself between them, suddenly free of his big coat and suit jacket. He looked like an androgynous angel, long and creamy and pale and beautiful in the light. Raven and Ron both felt the stirrings of true lust in the pits of their stomachs. Ron’s 100% Organic Beefstick started getting juicier at the sight of him.

“Ooh, Sherlock,” Raven Rayne moaned. “Please insert your Tapered Top-Hat Of Flesh into my Chamber Of Secrets, I assure you I want nothing more from my existence in your presence.”

“Okay,” said Sherlock sensuously and climbed on top of her, shedding his trousers and pants because he was British and called things by strange names. His Pulsating Meat Wand sprung free, standing proudly to attention. His pectorals were cloaked in a rich silky cloth of lush manfur, and his face was chiseled and angelic yet demonic at the same time. Ron and Raven Rayne both looked at him in adoration and lewd desire.

He laid down on top of Raven Rayne and started kissing her passionately. Ron laid down on top of him and helped him take Raven Rayne’s clothes off, leaving her in only a sexy lacy hot pink bra and knickers, because of course she was going to get a Dick Attack from two super-hot British men.

As they began doing the Horizontal Monster Mash, Raven Rayne felt something growing in her slick little pear, something she had never felt before. Before long, all three of them were naked and both Sherlock and Ron worshipped Raven Rayne’s Beautiful Booblalicious Blobular Chest Organs. As they rubbed and buffed her Mythical Berries, she moaned and almost _you-know-what_ ted.

Sherlock sat up and penetrated her Cave Of Lust with his Midnight Meat Train. His White-Chocolate Fountain was at least thirteen inches long and as it penetrated her Virginal Cream Tunnel she felt nothing but soul-sizzling pleasure.

Ron moaned as he watched them Gut The Love Salmon. He knew he wanted to get in on it too but he didn’t know how to penetrate Raven Rayne’s Rectum Rose without hurting her. Before he knew it, he had found the perfect lubrication for the job.

With lust and desire he inserted two fingers coated in sparkly turquoise nail polish into Raven Rayne’s Quivering Chocolate Starfish as Sherlock thrust in and out of her Unholy Cavern Of Carnal Pleasure. Before long she was nice and open and he lowered his Ferret From Below into her Snickers Factory. She moaned louder than ever as they both moved in and out of both of her Secret Entrances.

The three of them moved faster and faster, moaning more and more as Sherlock Baked The Skin Loaf in her Fuzzy Oven and Ron let his Brave Warrior From Distant Hills roam free in her Musty, Dank Channel. It was at least fifteen minutes of spirit-scorching pleasure later that they all came together, Ron and Sherlock spurting their Magic Love Toothpaste deep inside Raven Rayne.

They collapsed together on the bed, tired out from their Passionate Lovemaking. Raven Rayne smiled at her two new boyfriends. Whatever happened, she knew they would never leave her. She knew they would love her forever, and she was happy.


End file.
